Shame.

Probably one of the most powerful words I know. I get a visceral response with just saying the word, reading the word, or hearing the word. Its a feeling I can best describe as a sucker punch to my soul.

Shame.

What causes it?

For me it is all the choices I have made and the actions I have done that do not align with either my soul/who I am as a human being (i.e. my values) or what this world imposes on me and tells me what I “should” be or do.

the first cause: my soul/who I am.

These choices I have made and actions I have done or it could even be something that has happened to me that I feel are incongruent with my values or perception of this being I want to embody.

This shame identification and search is not necessarily pleasant in the slightest. It has required me to sit down and really take the time to check in and be with myself to figure out my values and get a better grasp on this being that exists, namely me.

Who am I?

My conditioned response is to list all the things I am as by others: I am a therapist, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a 5 ft 6.5 inch white single 25 year old female, etc. Then to list all the things I have: the cutest french bulldog ever, lots of books, a masters degree, etc. And all the other superficial stuff.

I am those things, but I am also much more than that, so much more than what I even know.

I am a soul or being stuck in this decaying body that will someday no longer be. I value love, relationship, authenticity, knowledge/understanding, and creativity. I hope to make every encounter with other beings something they have never experienced before whether that is unexpected kindness, an ear to listen, my complete and full undivided attention, keeping a promise, holding secrets or someones suffering, a helping hand with no strings attached, or straight up weirdness/playfulness. Whatever!

Since I know these are roughly the stirrings of my heart of who I am and how I want to be…when I am not those things guilt comes and if I am not careful I spiral. I retreat, I give in to the shame gremlins, aka negative thoughts, telling me how shitty I am, how not enough I am, how stupid I am for thinking I am who I know deep down that I am. Then these shame gremlins morph into a giant army of shame gremlins and to face them and unravel it can be exhausting, but it doesnt have to be.

The antidote to my soul/who I am shame is grace.

The antidote to my soul/who I am shame is grace.

The antidote to my soul/who I am shame is grace.

the second cause: the world’s shoulds.

What the world imposes or should’s on me are messages either direct or indirect.

They are the messages of what it is or what it looks like to be considered beautiful and that outter beauty is synonymous with worthiness. That by this age I should have this, this, this and this accomplished and if I do not that means something is wrong with me, like I am defective, or in general not enough. That WHATEVER IT IS there is only one holy grail way to do it or be it and if I am or do it any other way then I better be ashamed and it is inevitable people will reject me/never love me, deeming me unloveable.

The antidote to this world’s shoulds shame is courage to be and self-care/love.

The antidote to this world’s shoulds shame is courage to be and self-care/love.

The antidote to this world’s shoulds shame is courage to be and self-care/love.

Expressions of grace, courage to be, and self-care/love are NOT easy. They will not come without struggle, but I am going to keep on fighting the shame gremlins with these expressions in hopes that the gremlins will eventually be seen, feel felt, be heard, and loved. Because only then will they let go and I be free and able to fully live again.

Epistemology? Epistemology is one’s theory of origin or belief of how things come to be.

I believe change occurs developmentally and systemically by and through the guide and experience of emotion within the refuge of a therapeutic space and secure-attachments.

What I mean by developmentally: another word for development could be growth. Growth occurs in stages, one just doesn’t all of sudden become whatever it is. It goes through stages – it requires learnings, acclimation, application, and creativity. It’s a development. It takes time. It takes seasons of hardship, uncertainty, and discomfort a kin to overcoming those hardships, uncertainty, and discomforts onto the next hardships, uncertainties, and discomforts. That is development. That is growth.

What I mean by systemically: Systemically is just a weird way of saying interconnected. Everything influences everything. This world is a conglomeration of actions or events that influence it’s surrounding environment, which then the influenced environment influences it’s own surrounding environment, etc….if that makes any sense at all. It’s context. It’s taken into consideration context…of whatever is that one encounters.

What I mean by therapeutic space: A therapeutic space, as I understand it, is a space that a person feels felt. A space that a person is comfortable being vulnerable. A space a person finds comfort, support, trust, and unconditional love. A space a person can be their authentic selves and be accepted without shame or condemnation.

What I mean by secure-attachments: Secure-attachments are connections. Connections that are reliable, sustainable, and unwavering. These connections enable one to explore and endure the hardships, uncertainties, and discomforts of this world successfully.

I believe healing occurs when emotions are brought to full expression, fears are voiced, truths are heard, and people are seen and loved for exactly who they are in the here-and-now.

What I mean by emotions being fully expressed, fears voiced, truths heard, and people seen and loved: Emotions are our guides, they shine light on our needs in the moment. They help us know how to take care of ourselves. They help us communicate with others. Fears voiced are fears disempowered. Truths heard is validation and acceptance of ones unique experience. People seen and loved are those people who thrive in life.

What I mean by the here-and-now: The here-and-now is this moment, yesterday’s moment, and tomorrow’s moment. It’s unconditional. It’s indestructible. It’s grace.

What my two epistemologies share in common is that I believe both, change and healing, can only truly endure holistically throughout the lifespan in relationship with others.

What I mean by in relationship with others: It’s community. It’s fellowship. It’s genuine connection. It’s togetherness. It’s being apart of something greater than oneself. It’s selfless. It’s accountability. It is love. Love can only be in relationship. Relationship is love. Love transcends hardships, uncertainties, and discomforts. Relationship/Love Conquers All. Reality Check: We can’t do this life thing alone. We were made to be in relationship with others. To connect, cry, celebrate, laugh, discuss, argue, and live this life and all the good and bad in community. That is where true, lasting healing is.. in relationship with others who see the beauty and greatness in you, no matter what.

” A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you “

Ponder on this quote! How are we experienced by our dog? our parents? our siblings? our teachers? our other teacher we actually like? our colleagues? our friends? our not friend? our acquaintances? our children? our grandkids? our local coffee shop staff?

Are they different in any way? Are there any similarities or common themes? Are the imagined versions of you okay for you? Are they versions of who you want to be? Are they versions of who you don’t want to be? Do you experience yourself as that version of you? Can you recognize that version of you? What does that version say about who you really are? Can you be one version of you? Is that even possible? How would you be able to know this version of you is actually you or not you?

Comment below or visit @soullybelovedhumans on facebook/instagram with some of your potential (you) versions and other ponderings like it!

What are a few of your first thoughts in the morning when you wake from a nights slumber?

My thoughts typically flow towards the days tasks, events, and other responsibilities. These thoughts follow one of the first questions I ask myself,

what do I have to do today?

I started to wonder what my days or life would be like if I asked myself a different question in the morning. A question like,

how do I want to be today?

How do I want to be in relationship to others today? Do I want to socialize or make small talk today or do I want to keep to myself? How do I want others to experience me today? How do I want to experience myself? How do I want to be in relation to myself? What about the world and my space around me, what vibes do I want to give off today?

When I shift my language from “to do” to “to be” my entire body viscerally shifts with it. When I think about what I have to do I instantly become tense and a little anxious. When I think about what I want to be I instantly become curious and relaxed.

The shift may in part be due to the notion that we (humans) have free will. Yes, we have the free will to make choices about what to do and how to be. However, I might argue it is easier or at least more likely to have control over how we want to be. I say this because often times what we want or have to do are influenced by external forces that are beyond our immediate control. To some extent we are limited in the control we have in choosing what we want or have to do, especially when we are under some form of authority.

When it comes to being, external forces are powerless. The power lies within when it comes to being in the world, in relationship to others and ourselves. This power that is within is greater than the powers of authority in this world, ask Viktor Frankl if you don’t believe me.

So, the question to be asked is, how do you want to be today?